What Are You Drinking?

By Reckless Rach

So, I went to this party last weekend and I couldn’t help but notice this tall, dark and lean cut of man chilling with what I assumed was his girlfriend.  The boy was dressed in a smedium (a shirt size that falls in between small and medium giving heterosexual men the opportunity to show off any well worked muscles without being mistaken as gay) black t-shirt and fitted jeans.  Ladies, let me just add, this dude was Morris Chestnut fine.  I mean double scoop of dark chocolate with the nuts. 

I was conspicuously stalking Morris as he left his girl’s side and headed to the bar.  I noted his not too fat, not too flat ass as he ordered a henny on the rocks and a pink drink that appeared to be a sex on the beach or some other fruity variation of liquor.  He walked over to his girl and I released an envious sigh thinking, “Damn. Not only is he fine but chivalrous too.”

I took a sip of my beer and looked over my shoulder just in time to catch Denzel Jr. handing his girl the henny and sipping the fruity concoction out of a mini yellow straw.  What the f*ck?

Now, I shouldn’t even hate because I often drink beers at parties; not because I particularly like them, but because they’re usually the cheapest thing on the menu.  However, to my defense, I drink light beer, so I feel like that re-affirms my girlieness.  However, what is it about a dude drinking a b*tch drink that makes him lose his sexy?  Or does he?

I watched Morris go back to the bar several times over the course of the night and order some more sex on the beaches or amaretto sours and drink it while his girl swallowed Jack on the rocks.

After deliberating over the b*tch drink topic with my girls, I decided that there are different levels of b*tch drinks with varying acceptability.  Please consult charts A and B.

Chart A

Category 1	Bud Light/ Coors Light/ Mikes Hard Lemonade/ Margarita/ Long Island Iced Tea/ Alize (the blue one)	ACCEPTABLE
Category 2	Smirnoff Twist/Bacardi Breezer/ Martini / Mudslide	ACCEPTABLE-ISH
Category 3	Sex on the Beach/ Flavored Martinis/ Amaretto Sour/ Alize (the pink kind)	QUESTIONABLE
Category 4	Cosmopolitans/ Pina Coladas/ Bahama Mamas/ Shirley Temples	NO MORE B*TCH ASS-NESS

 

 

Chart B

Ratio of B*tch Assness to Acceptableness

 

So fellas, next time you go to a party, you’d better watch your b*tch ass-ness.  If you must have a fruity flavored type drink, consult category 1 and 2 respectively beforehand. 

And if you are gay, then you can dismiss this posting because it doesn’t matter what you drink as long as you… Work it!

* I recognize how Reckless it is to perpetuate gender stereotypes and the usage of the term B*tch in reference to women however, I thought it was funny, and I am Reckless Rach.  If you where offended by anything written here you should step up your critical reading skills and not believe everything you read on the internet, fool. Also, all angry e-mails can be directed to Devin F. Reckless.  Thank you.

 

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